Anal Sex. Some people see it as taboo. Others see as it as the ultimate act of trust, love and closeness.For me, it was always something to be terrified of. But it doesn’t have to be that way, at all.
When I was 16, and just coming to terms with my sexuality, I spent a lot of time looking at porn (as any healthy teenager would) – and whilst watching these videos, and seeing the way some of the guys reacted to taking a cock up the bum, I decided I definitely wanted to be the giver, rather than the receiver.
And then one day, just before I turned 18, I had been seeing someone for a few weeks, and they decided they wanted to ‘go all the way’. Now, when you are a hormonal, shy and unconfident person such as myself (at least back then, anyway) – the thought that someone would actually want to have sex with me was enough for me to completely drop my guard and say OK!
Unfortunately, they seemed more concerned with how good it felt for them, rather than how comfortable I was. I had never ever experienced anything like that before – and nothing could prepare me for what was to come. I was nervous, anxious, and no preparation has been undertaken before he (we’ll call him Eric*) decided he was going to dive right in. Eric had spent all night trying to convince me that it was going to be great, and not wanting to disappoint, I obliged.
So we we got naked and he was already ‘raring’ to go, and he slipped on a condom, flipped me onto my stomach, and before I even had a chance to breathe, he was going for it. I don’t think I’ve ever quite felt anything as painful as that since. As I lay there, I thought back to how I felt watching those porn videos – agreeing that it was DEFINITELY BETTER TO BE THE GIVER THAN THE RECEIVER.
And so, for a while – that’s how it was. Just the thought of having something else up there brought me out in a cold sweat, and filled me with a sense of foreboding. And then I met the man who would later become my husband. Things were different. There was no pressure to ever do anything. At that point, I felt so incredibly stupid – but as we got closer and I learnt to trust him, my opinions towards sex changed – I wanted to experience everything with him. The difference this time, was that we actually spent some time getting ready before going ahead.
And now, I have the most amazing and satisfying anal sex. It doesn’t have to be scary or taboo – and I now definitely am firmly a believe that it is a complete act of trust, closeness. I realise this is a long ass introduction to what is essentially just a simple guide to have comfortable anal sex – but I want to tell you my experiences so you know I’m just not talking out my ass!
“But hold on a minute…! Why would I want to have anal sex?!?!”
Well that’s a good question, and to be honest – only you can really answer that question! However, my answer to that question would be… BECAUSE IT FEELS SO GOOD!
Firstly, the act of penetration in any form is something incredibly sensual but requires a good amount of trust – so to share that with someone is just amazing.
Secondly, in a man, it’s where the prostate is (or the male g-spot). When massaged (through toy use or penetrative sex), it can produce some incredibly powerful and intense orgasms (and let’s be real, who wouldn’t want that?).
For some people, it can play into certain dom/sub fantasies – with the Sub taking on the role of the bottom and being the receiver, with the dom/top giving – it’s a power play thing.
I personally never understood why anyone would limit themselves to just being a Top/Bottom – but it really is personal choice. For me, I want to have the best of both worlds, because there is so much pleasure to be had. Anyway…
This guide has been put together to help those would-be bottoms or curious tops navigate their first time with ease and confidence.
HOW TO HAVE THE BEST ANAL SEX IN FIVE EASY STEPS!
STEP ONE: RELAX
One of the biggest parts of ensuring that you have the best experience possible is making sure you are in the right frame of mind. It’s not just about being aroused, it’s about being relaxed and open. If you are in anyway tense or nervous, then your body will react accordingly. And that is what happened to me on my first time. “So how do I relax?” I hear you say… Well there are several things that you can do to get yourself relaxed:
- MASSAGE – A good, slow all-over body massage not only helps relax the mind, but it also helps relax the body. Make sure you use a good quality oil, and go for scents that are going to help you relax as well. Our current fave is the Indian Spice Love Oil by GoodCleanLove. Romantic and sensual.
- TAKE A BATH – Like a massage, a nice long hot soak in the tub can really help relax the body and mind. If it helps, use a bath bomb or three. Scents like Lavender, Chamomile and Neroli are all great for creating a relaxed and calm mind.
- HERBAL/FRUIT TEA – I don’t know about you, but when I’m feeling stressed – a nice soothing chamomile or fruit tea usually calms me down and helps me feel much more relaxed.
- DO WHATEVER YOU WANT – The above is just some ideas of things that I do to help relax myself – but really, you do whatever it is that works best for you. The whole point is just to not only relax the body but the mind as well.
STEP TWO: PREPARATION
I personally never just jump into having anal sex without at least doing a bit of preparation. And certainly, I would never expect anyone who has never experienced any anal stimulation to just jump right in. So what do I mean by preparation?
- WARM UP – If you have never played anally before, you are going to want to ‘warm-up’ first. Like any muscle in your body, the sphincter needs to be prepared to stretch to accommodate anything coming in. My first recommendation is to usually just experiment with using some lube and a finger to start off with. As you get used to the sensations, you can start to experiment with butt plugs and anal dildo’s. Having a cock be the first thing to ever go up is going to be a memorable experience, but for all the wrong reasons! At all times, you need to be listening to your body, and at any point – stop if it’s hurting. So now, before we jump right in penetrative anal sex, there’s usually some playing around with butt plugs and dildo’s first before moving on to the main event.
- TO DOUCHE OR NOT TO DOUCHE? – I’m putting this in here because whilst it’s not really something that’s important for beginners – it is something people are also concerned about, and this plays into the whole making sure you are RELAXED. If one of the reasons you are worried about playing anally is ‘mess’ – then there are things you can do – and douching is just one of them. Have a read of my guide to douching – this will help you decide what’s the best for you.
- LUBE – I cannot stress this enough. LUBE, LUBE and MORE LUBE!!! You will want to use plenty of it – and it needs to be a good quality anal lube. If at any point it feels like it’s drying out, apply more! In order to make it as comfortable as possible, you need to ensure things stay plenty slippery. Did I mention Lube? No? OK, USE LUBE! A great lube we’ve discovered is a Hybrid lube by MEO. It’s a blend of silicone and water-based that provides a smooth, long lasting glide. Also, GiveLube Super Think Anal Lube is another good recommendation, as it’s thicker and has added Aloe for softness.
STEP THREE: PATIENCE
This one really speaks for itself. You need to take it SLOW and be patient. It can take people a while to get themselves comfortable, and you don’t want to rush anything for risk of injury. It’s not a race, and it’s not just about one person getting their thrill – this is an experience for BOTH of you, and you BOTH need to enjoy it. So make sure that you (and the person you are with) understands to take things slowly and at a pace you are comfortable with. Which leads me onto my next point…
STEP FOUR: TAKE CONTROL
This is especially important if it’s your first time. To have the most comfortable and enjoyable experience, if you are receiving, you will want to make sure that you are in complete control. The best way of achieving this, is to position yourself ‘on top’. So have your partner lie on their back, and then you can straddle them and lower yourself. This way, you are in control of how deep they go. This also means if it gets to painful and you need to stop, it’s much easier for you to stop.
You could also try lying on your side, with your knees up close to your chest – this is often what I would suggest when using anal toys, as it makes it easier for insertion, so may help make penetration easier for you.
As you get used to the sensations, you can start to experience with different positions, until you find the one that really works for you – but that’s part of the fun – experiment and try out different things – but I would always recommend ‘on top’ if it’s your first time receiving.
Don’t ever be tempted to try any sort of lubrication that offers a desensitising effect, or a spray either. Whilst the thought seems tempting, you really don’t want to get rid of any pain in that area because that is how injuries occur. As long as you have taken the time to properly prepare yourself, and relax, you can get through it. It will be painful to start with. I’m not going to lie – but it’s a good kind of pain, and it will go away, as long as you take it slowly.
STEP FIVE: HAVE FUN WITH IT!
You need to make sure you have fun with it! As a man, anal sex can open the door to amazing sensations. There are also reports that some ladies can experience amazing orgasms from anal sex as well. And it’s not also a past time strictly limited to just gay men – lots of straight men enjoying being anally penetrated by their partners (also known as ‘pegging’) using strap-on devices. Just go with the flow and do whatever feels right – remember, it’s about BOTH of you!!
I appreciate that this has been a whistle-stop guide to anal sex, but I think I’ve covered the basics. It doesn’t have to be a scary, painful or dirty experience – it just needs to be approached the right way to get the best enjoyment out of it. But remember, anal sex is not going to be for everyone. If you are with a partner who doesn’t want, or have any interest in anal sex – don’t ever push them into doing it. Be respectful of each others boundaries.
Once you are comfortable having anal sex, consider throwing some toys into the mix as well. If you are the giver, have you considered popping in a butt plug for double the pleasure? Or how about using a stroker if your receiving partner also has a penis? Double the pleasure for them! I’m in the process of working on a guide for other ways of enjoying sex together – look out for that soon.
Well I hope you have enjoyed this guide and found something useful or interesting. If you think it’s been helpful, feel free to spread the word. I just wish I had known all this a lot earlier – think of all those years I’ve been missing out!