This is it. The big one. I’ve been working on this review for months. I’ve wanted to make sure I did it justice. This is no ordinary sex toy. And this was going to be no ordinary review. But I can now safely say, without any shadow of a doubt. I have been well and truly fucked by a machine.
Picture the scene. I’ve just received an email from Wolf over at MEO who has kindly agreed to send out some items for review. I was already feeling surprised at the generous package that was going to be winging it’s way to me. Imagine my surprise, when no less then two days later, did I receive another email from Wolf. “Just got the first delivery of these amazing Fucking Machines. Would you be interested in a review?”.
After browsing the attached document showing off this admittedly rather terrifying piece of equipment, I sat there in a completely mixed state of emotion. On the one hand, I was intrigued, interested… and other people have talked about how much they loved using something similar. On the other hand, I was like WHOOOAAAHHHHH. So I took to twitter. They would know what to do:
Been offered the chance to review a F-Machine… I can’t decide if I should… I’m interested in the idea, just not sure the MR would be…
— The Big Gay Review (@thebiggayreview) November 6, 2015
— Karen Sybian V2000 (@sybianmaker) November 6, 2015
@thebiggayreview you owe it to mankind to take one for the team David!
— sum sub (@Sum1Sub) November 6, 2015
@thebiggayreview having used one I’d say its worth the experience dude
— Justin Decerous (@Justindecerous) November 6, 2015
And so, the internet hath spoken. A F-Machine was on it’s way.
The F-Machine Gigolo was kindly sent to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review by Meo.de. This in no way affects my opinions or experiences with this product. Affiliate links have been used within this post.
I had no real idea of what to expect when this arrived. I mean, I had seen pictures, but nothing can really quite prepare you until you’ve seen one in the flesh. When the UPS guy handed over the package, I wondered if he had any idea of what he had just passed over too me. It was a fairly large box, and it was decently heavy too. I text the MR. “It’s arrived!”. As I tore open the outer shipping box, I was greeted by a rather plain looking black box with an looking blue bunny printed on the top, along with the name ‘Gigolo’. Lifting it out, on the front of the box is another blue bunny with the web address for f-machine. It’s a pretty non-descript, almost boring box – considering what’s inside!
I’ve been reliably informed that the F in F-Machine does not stand for Fuck. It stands for Fun. Apparently. At least, that’s what the manual states anyway. Inside the black carton, you’ll find all the pieces sat snugly inside polystyrene. It’s at this point that I’m quite surprised at how small the actual unit is. I was certainly expecting something bigger – but as it turns out – the Gigolo is the smallest model of F-Machine. They provide you with everything you need to put the machine together – the screws, the tools and instruction booklet.
You also get a remote control and battery and you are provided with an 8inch black dildo so you can use the machine straight away. My advice here would be to chuck that dildo away. That dildo is made from TPR which is highly porous and generally disgusting. Considering the cost of these machines, i’m a little disappointed that a silicone attachment is not included. I’ll get to the attachments shortly. So, it’s time to put the machine together…
It’s actually incredibly easy to put together. I managed to put it together on my own in about 20 minutes the very first time I took it out of the box. Subsequently, I can it put together in about 5 minutes on my own – even quicker if there are 2 of you doing it. I was really concerned that something like this was going to be massively complicated to put together – but it’s almost embarrassingly easy – and i’m hopeless with tools.
You simply need to screw the stand together (using the ONLY 2 screws needed). The actual ‘machine’ part is then lowered on and held into place with a clamp – and then you simply insert the rod into the machine (and tighten and adjust), plug it in and then you are pretty much ready to go! (OK, i’ve made it sound easier than it is, but actually it’s really not that far off). Once it is all together, I am still genuinely quite surprised at how small it is. I don’t really want to say ‘compact’ – it’s a machine built for fucking – but compared to other models, it’s definitely… well.. compact.
Before using it for the first time, you can make some manual adjustment to the stroke length – which you can adjust from 1 inch to 4 inches – if this is your first time ever using a machine like this, I would definitely put it on the smallest stroke length. As you get used to the sensations, and working on what position is most comfortable for you, you can then adjust the length of the stroke.
The Gigolo is remote controlled – so simply insert the battery into the remote, and then switch the remote ‘On’. There are 3 buttons – the Start/Stop/Pause button and then the Plus/Minus buttons to increase/decrease speed. When switching the machine on, you’ll want to make sure that the switch on the machine is in the off position. Then you can insert the power cable into the back, and then into the wall. Once the power is on at the wall, you can then switch on the machine – where you will then see the machine light up with an eerie but oddly calming blue glow. Pressing the start button on the remote will start the thrusting rod moving at it’s slowest speed.
Before I could use the machine for the first time, I had to source some appropriate dildos. The thrusting rod is fitted with the Vac-U-Lock style attachment. Unfortunately, there aren’t very many UK retailers selling the silicone Vac-U-Lock attachments, so I had to source them from SheVibe – a rather lovely US based retailer. I chose 3 attachments – the Belle which is a thin, non-descript curved dildo, an 8 inch regular style dildo and a 6 inch realistic dildo with balls. Something different for whatever mood I was in – but the Belle was chosen because it was narrow, and figured starting with something smaller would make this much more comfortable.
It took a couple of weeks for them to arrive (thanks, Customs!) but when they arrived, I eagerly took myself upstairs, got the machine in position and was ready to lose my terminator cherry. Now, I have to be up front and say that on all the occasions I have used the F-Machine – I have been on my own. Having never used anything like this before, it took a lot of experimentation to work on getting myself into the best position, and as much as I love my husband, i’m not prepared for him to see me in those positions – but now I know what works best for me, I will definitely be bringing this out for him to use on me (and if I’m lucky, i’ll get to use it on him too!).
So in my own personal experience, the most comfortable (and easiest to set up) position was doggy style. I have made several attempts to try and use it whilst being on my back, but when on your own, it’s tricky to get it into the right position. Also, because of it’s smaller size (and the height of my bed) – I can’t place it on the floor by the side of the bed. I place the Gigolo at the end of my bed, where it rests against the foot of the bed quite nicely (we have one of those TV beds) so the bottom of the bed creates a nice anchor point and provides some support.
Oh my. What have I let myself in for? On the plus side, really easy to build. Just awaiting my silicone attachments! pic.twitter.com/nYhov56PIY
— The Big Gay Review (@thebiggayreview) November 12, 2015
Once I have chosen my weapon of choice, I simply slide the dildo onto the rod. You’ll want to apply a little bit of cornflour (which most Vac-U-Lock dildos come with) to the inside of the hole to make application and removal of the dildo smoother and easier. So I started out with the Belle. I grabbed a bottle of lube and placed a good amount onto the dildo as well as onto myself. I got onto my knees, got into position and carefully backed on to the dildo. As I adjusted and was comfortable with the insertion, I reached for the remote control. I pressed the start button and the machine sprang into life. Very slowly. At first, I didn’t really notice anything. But then I started to feel the Belle slipping out before very gently sliding back in again. This was the foreplay. The warm up. I’m putting my sphincter on the line and in the hands of a machine – I wanted to take it nice and slow.
On the lowest speed, it was fairly pleasant but I admit, I got bored VERY quickly. I was soon itching to take it up a notch. Pressing the plus button a couple of times increased the speed fairly substantially. I was now at the level of speed that I would apply when thrusting with a dildo manually. I’ve angled the Belle so it should be aiming straight for my prostate. And at the faster speed, I can definitely feel it working me over. Feeling a bit braver, I increased the speed further still. And this is where it got interesting.
This was definitely the most intense fuck I have ever experienced, at least from something that wasn’t human. At about the half-way point, the F-Machine was thrusting into me at the same speed as a really passionate rough session with an actual person. I could feel the sweat starting to drip from my head as I arched my back, and let the Gigolo pound me. As I clutched at the sheets, I whispered to myself. “Harder?”. So grabbing the remote, I turned it up faster still. Oh shit. Now i’m being fucked at a rate that is just indescribable. I cry out and slump forward. It’s way too much. My legs start shaking and i’m gasping and shuddering. I didn’t even realise I had orgasmed. I was just completely overwhelmed. I had to lay there for about 20 minutes as I came to terms with what had just happened.
Further outings with the Gigolo have been just as explosive, although a bit more controlled, as I learn exactly how I really like it. But the results are always the same. It’s important to make sure that you have a continuous supply of lube handy – the intense friction created by the machine means that I have found it dries out a little quicker than it usually would down there, and at higher speeds it becomes a little uncomfortable – so reapplication of lube will be a necessity. After putting the Belle through it’s paces (or rather it putting me) I moved on to the 8 inch realistic dildo. This definitely provided a thicker, fuller experience, and it’s funny how you notice the textures more when you aren’t actually holding it and thrusting it.
If you own any Tantus dildos with the hole for a suction cup or vibrating bullet, these will also fit onto the thrusting rod – I tried out the Gigolo with the Goddess (and similarly shaped Echo) and they feel like they were MADE to work with that – that wavy shaft just feels divine as it’s being rapidly thrust in and out of you. As i’ve gotten more experienced with the machine, I’ve been able to adjust the length of the thrust for deeper, more intense sensations. I’m not quite at the full 4 inch thrust, but we’re not far away.
As much as I have enjoyed trying out the Gigolo, there are a few niggles to consider when deciding if this is the right product for you. Firstly, the noise. Now I would never fully expect a machine like this to be the most discreet and quiet and to be fair to the Gigolo, on it’s very low settings, it is actually surprisingly quiet. However, I generally tend to like things a bit more… vigorous shall we say – and on the higher speeds, it does tend to produce a bit more of a racket. So if you lived in a shared house, or in a house with particularly thin walls… then your friends and neighbours may be wondering why you are using power tools at odd hours in the day. Also, on less carpeted floors, the sound does reverberate a fair bit as well.
As reviewer Cara Sutra noted in her review, the Gigolo is a bit of a bugger initially to get out of the box. There is a rather large cable tie that holds the motor unit inside the box, and it’s quite tricky to remove. Thankfully, I was able to pull the motor out without any issue, but if you do need to cut the tie, do be careful to avoid injuring yourself or damaging the machine.
Clean-up and Maintenance
In theory, the machine itself should require very little in the way of cleaning. However, if in the heat of the moment you have gotten carried away, you can give the motor part a wipe down with a barely damp cloth (do not get water in or anywhere near the motor). The Thrusting rod can be removed and the vac-u-lock attachment can be wiped down with a cloth .
Storage is really going to depend on your circumstances and the space you have available. If you have no problem displaying your fuck machine with pride, then it’s small enough to reside in a corner or maybe live at the foot of the bed. If you need a bit more discretion, then with the thrusting rod removed, it might fit in the bottom of a wardrobe. Alternatively, you can always take it apart and store it in the box – it’s just as quick and easy to take down as it is to put up.
So is the F-Machine Gigolo a worthwhile purchase? Well again, that’s really going to depend on you. Whilst I can say that I thoroughly enjoyed using the machine – I was sent it for free – I appreciate that €698 is A LOT of money to throw down on anything, let alone a toy for the bedroom (or dungeon). To that end, if you happen to have a dungeon or sex room, and F-Machine would be a perfect addition.
Something like this is definitely more of a lifestyle choice, rather than just ‘something you dig out now and again’ – so if you really want to get a machine, but haven’t used anything before – then it’s smaller size and price tag compared to the larger F-Machine Pro might make the price more palatable. Just beware – this is a machine designed to fuck you relentlessly – so should you have a delicate bottom or vagina, this may not be for you. There have been times even I have kind of gone “WOOAH that’s TOO much!” and had to stop.
Should you choose to take a punt on the Gigolo, make sure you get yourself a silicone attachment (if you haven’t got one already). Sadly, MEO don’t appear to stock any silicone vac-u-lock attachments so you will need to source them from elsewhere. As mentioned above, I ordered from SheVibe as there aren’t many UK retailers stocking the silicone versions. Which is a real shame.
But anyway, I’ve survived my first time with a Sex Machine (and second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth….) and i’m now not as intimidated/terrified. I would be interested if F-Machine are able to produce an attachment for the Gigolo that would work with masturbators (they have the Rocky for their full size F-Machine) but as yet, not sure if it’ll work with the Gigolo.
Where To Buy
You can order your F-Machine Gigolo from MEO.de today for €698,00 (which is about £541 at today’s exchange rate).
I would like to thank MEO.de for sending out the F-Machine Gigolo for free in exchange for an honest review. This does not affect or alter my opinions on this, or any other product we receive for review. All thoughts and experiences are 100% genuine and my own. Some Affiliate links have been used within this post.
The Lowdown | F-Machine Gigolo Sex Machine
Pros: It’s a Fucking Machine! All Singing, All Thrusting Sex Machine that will pound you without getting tired. Great for solo/couple play, enhancing BDSM sessions…
Cons: It’s not the most discreet – can get fairly loud, and also… takes up space. It is a fucking machine after all. It’s also REALLY expensive.
Bottom Line: This is a serious piece of kit for serious players. Gave me the ride of my life. Intense, Intense and even more Intense.