Hurrah! We’re back! I hope you all had a wonderful christmas! It’s good to be back, and I’ve we’re kicking off 2015 with a true WTF moment. So fill up your mugs, put your feet up and sit back and relax.
So I have a few toys lined up that are just waiting to have reviews posted, and it was really difficult trying to choose which one should start off the year. I decided to go with the most recent acquisition to my ever growing collection of masturbators – one that I ordered on a whim during the Lovehoney christmas sale, purely because it’s quirky aesthetic has been taunting me for a while, but was never prepared to pay full price for as it was just, perhaps a tad too weird.
But appearances can be deceiving – and as the old saying goes – one should never judge a book by it’s cover. Which leads me on to the HEPS Fantastic Oral Sex Simulator. This Japanese masturbator ticks all the boxes when it comes to weird/random/WTF – but would it tick the most important box? Would it make me cum. Short answer is yes, yes it did. And A LOT. But sadly, it’s marred by the recent discovery that the toy is hiding a dirty secret.
Human Exciting Perfect Sense – This is what HEPS stands for, according to their official website. I’m still not entirely sure what it means to be honest. To me, it’s a rather unfortunate acronym that conjures up some rather unpleasant images – not something you want when you playing with something you are supposed to put your dick in – but for the purposes of science (and orgasms) I’m prepared to overlook that small flaw.
The HEPS arrives in what can only be described as a VHS/DVD style jewel case. Apparently, you can print off your own ‘covers’ for ultimate discretion. I’m not entirely sure I see the point – I’m not planning on storing my sex toys on my DVD shelf, and imagine having to explain to my friends when they ask to watch my bootleg copy of ‘The Waltons’ that they are going to be severely disappointed. Personally, it’s not a ‘feature’ that really means anything to me, but the option is there if you need it (although really – it’s a stupid idea).
So let’s get on to the unit itself. Well first of all, it really doesn’t look like a sex toy at all (well, not until you take off the cap). At first glance, it looks almost like an old style camera. In fact, the only thing that shatters the illusion, is the slogan plastered over the cap – HEPS rival is HUMAN. Personally, this is a tagline that errs on the side of ‘creepy’ – a little too much for my liking. It’s also a completely absurd claim. No toy I have used has ever successfully mimicked the sensation it’s supposed to be simulating – and the HEPS is no exception (I’ll get onto that in a bit).
The outside of the unit is made from ABS plastic, and the insert itself is made from silicone**. The unit comes apart into several pieces for easy cleaning, and consists of the cap, two pressure plates which can be moved and changed around for different sensations, 2 ‘magic rings’ which control suction and the insert.
**You know that dirty little secret I mentioned? Yeah, it’s to do with this.
The toy looks pretty neat and futuristic – until you actually take off the cap and look at the insert. It’s really difficult to not laugh, when you first see those white, squidgy lips. Now, it doesn’t really look like a mouth at all. In fact, it looks more like a duck’s bill then an inviting human mouth (which makes it even more creepy when I think back to that tagline…). It almost looks like I’d be getting a blow job from Daffy Duck – not an image anyone should have to suffer. If you part the soft ‘lips’, you are then greeted by a little tongue. Turn the sleeve inside out and you will see the sleeve is coated in a series of ridges, waves, nubs and that odd looking tongue. The sleeve is held inside the HEPS unit by magnets, which are both in the sleeve and in the plastic case.
So as you can see, it’s a rather… odd looking little device. But as I stated earlier, looks can be deceiving – and boy, can I tell you that I am glad that I looked past it’s rather ugly exterior, because on the inside – this thing is a work of beauty and magic.
How to Use
The HEPS has an insertable length of just under 5″ and will expand comfortably to fit almost any girth. With that in mind, for those of you who are blessed with bigger penises may find this a little too restrictive. At a comfortable 6″, this felt more than enough for me. After lubing up myself and the HEPS, it was time to slip inside and give it ago.
The first thing you feel as you slide in, is the tongue. It works well at caressing the frenulum as you plunge deeper into the sleeve. If you warm up the sleeve in some warm water before hand to bring it to body temperature, it certainly makes it feel more ‘realistic’. Using the HEPS just like this would be enough to bring me to orgasm – the material was soft, smooth and created little to no drag and it retained the temperature for a good while, so you can easily have a lengthy session should you choose.
However, there are a few additional features that need to be tested, so I had to restrain myself and try out the other functions. The first function being the ‘Skill’ button. These are 2 removable panels that can be arranged into different positions to provide different sensations. See the below diagram:
So dependent on which way you position the skill clips, you can either provide additional pressure towards the back of the unit, at the front of the unit or you can alternate it with the ‘wave’ formation (however, in use, this was actually a little tricky to actually get to work). In all honesty though, they don’t really feel all that different from each other. The ‘REAL’ formation (which is the default setting when you receive the HEPS) is probably the best, because as inside the sleeve, are a series of soft little ‘teeth’ and when you apply a little bit of pressure, you can feel these on the shaft. Now some of you are probably thinking that teeth and blow jobs don’t go together – why on earth would you want someone scraping away at your penis with their teeth? Well of course, you don’t want someone chowing down on your old chap like their guzzling a hot dog – however for me, the delicate scraping of teeth on the tip of my penis sends me into hyper-sensitive mode, which heightens every further sensation, and has me curling my toes like it’s going out of style.
The last thing that needed to be tried out was the ‘Magic Rings’ – now this sounds better than it actually is. All these are, are 2 round buttons at the base of the unit that controls the suction. These supposedly have different settings, but in reality – it’s not the case – suction is either ON or OFF, and even then, there isn’t a massive difference between ON or OFF which is a tad disappointing. Suction is there, but it feels very weak, and is nothing compared to the suction you get from Fleshlights, for example. But I’m the kind of person that prefers texture anyway, so it’s not such a big deal for me.
So you are probably thinking how could this possibly have made me cum as much as it did? It’s quite simple really. Whilst the suction isn’t much, the highly detailed textured insert just feels amazing – I can feel every lump, bump, ridge and wave – and the tongue tickles the frenulum in a way that no other masturbation sleeve has been able too. It’s incredibly light and easy to hold, and it grips you in a highly satisfying way. As masturbators go, it’s certainly the oddest, most bizarre looking piece of equipment I have every slipped my dick into – but actually, it’s turned out to be one of the nicest.
Clean-up and Maintenance
Now, if the clean-up routine of a Fleshlight ticked you off, the HEPS isn’t going to be any better for you. The one major downside with the HEPS I have to say, is the clean up routine. On the plus side, the unit breaks down very easily into pieces for easy clean-up. You’ll need to remove both the Magic Ring caps, then unfold the case to remove the sleeve and then give everything a good rinse with toy cleaner and water. The sleeve can be turned inside out really easily to ensure all bodily fluids are removed and then it can be left to air dry. I did notice that after the first use, the sleeve didn’t feel quite as nice as it did when I first opened it. It didn’t feel ‘sticky’ like you get with Fleshlights – it just felt a little ‘dull’.
This led me to question whether this sleeve really is Silicone like advertised. I conducted a flame test and the dirty little secret was revealed. Unlike the reaction I would have expected from a silicone toy, the HEPS did not react the way I had hoped – it didn’t flame, scorch or leave any ash – it did sort of ‘melt’, however which leads me to believe that the insert is NOT PURE Silicone, and is probably more like a TPR/TPE material, similar to that of Fleshlights and TENGA products. Is it a problem? Well, physically – no – as this is not a product being ‘inserted’ into my body, the fact it’s TPR/TPE isn’t so much of an issue – it’s the fact that companies LIE about what materials their products are made from, and the fact it was advertised as a silicone sleeve was one of the reasons I bought it in the first place – so understandably I am extremely disappointed at this new revelation.
It was all going really well, wasn’t it? Right up until that last hurdle. I mean, before then, I was totally smitten with how wonderful this feels, and how quickly it made me reach orgasm – but I’m now torn and conflicted because it’s not what it says it is. If this was a dildo or a butt plug, it would be absolutely unforgivable. If HEPS had marketed this correctly, then I would have no qualms in giving this a high score. No other review of this has queried the nature of the material, so if anyone else out there has more information on the material of the sleeve, please get in touch! I do hope I’m wrong about this!
Where to buy
I picked up my HEPS from Lovehoney.
EDIT: Since the review was published, Jess from Lovehoney has been in contact with the manufacturer and they have confirmed that the sleeve of the HEPS is TPE and NOT Silicone, as advertised.