A Beginner’s Guide to Bondage

I’ve been wanting to write something like this for a while, but we’re not quite as experienced as some regular BDSM players – but then I thought, if you are new to the scene, then it might be nice to get a view from people who are still experiencing it for themselves – so I’m really going out on a limb here and this could spectacularly fail on me – and I’ll be besieged with complaints from all sorts – well I hope not anyway!

So basically, all I wanted to do was give a brief outline on how things like tying each other up can help create a new and exciting dynamic in the bedroom – and put together a list of must-have products for beginners, as well as giving a brief review of each as well.

So without further ado, let’s crack the whip and get started.

One of the reasons it took me so long to even look at the bondage section, was due to the fact I had it in my head that it was going to be full of scary looking torture devices, and that you should only be using them if you have some sort of home-made dungeon. The reality is, Bondage (or BDSM if you want to give it it’s full, proper Sunday name) can be as soft or as hard as you like. You don’t have to be strung up by your nipples to the ceiling to be enjoying the exciting new thrills and sensations that Bondage play can bring to the bedroom.

Buy why do it?

Well, why not? Bondage can be soft and romantic, as well as down right kinky. It can help offer new physical and emotional experiences as well as generally turn a regular sex session into something more explosive. But sometimes, it’s just fun to try something a little bit different – and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

There are so many different types of equipment and toys that you can use, that to cover it all in this article would take me a VERY long time – hence why I’m keeping it short and referring to the products that we got as our intro into the world of bondage (makes sense, right?).

Blindfolds

The most basic bit of kit that should be in every ‘bondage’ box should be a blindfold. Restricting your own (or your lovers) eyesight is a simple and non-threatening way of creating new and stimulating experiences with very minimal effort. Heck, you don’t even need to buy a specific blindfold – you could just use a scarf. Not being able to see what’s going on, or what is about to happen increases those feelings of anticipation and of the unknown. Whether you are teasing your love with your tongue or lips, or something more interesting – not being able to see heightens every other sensation.

The other fantastic thing about blindfolds, is that it can help lower inhibitions from both sides of the fence. In my personal experience, as someone who feels slightly body conscious – I find that when I have the other half in a blindfold – I relax more too, meaning I’m less focused on my body issues, and instead focusing all my energy on making him feel as good as possible. They typically come in 2 styles – there’s the ‘elasticated’ blindfolds or the ‘tie’ style – personally, we prefer the tie style – it feels more seductive, and you can adjust the tightness of the blindfold much easier. Unfortunately, the blindfold we bought is no longer available, but this is a great alternative.

Tickler

I’m trying to introduce these in order of ‘least threatening’ and a feather tickler really is about as threatening as a cute friendly puppy. But when used correctly, it can help stimulate those nerve-endings, leading to heightened sensations. Just a light, delicate touch helps draw the blood to the surface to increase sensitivity and pleasure.

The best way to use a tickler, is to hold it very lightly between your fingers, and slowly and very carefully drag the tickler across your partners naked body, paying particular attention to those areas that have multiple nerve endings (bottom of hands, feet, nipples, genitals etc).

You’ll want to play around with the pressure and strokes – from barely there touches, to full on strokes over the whole body. Ticklers come in all shapes and sizes too. We have the Lelo Tantra tickler which is really small and perfectly travel friendly, meaning you can take it with you if you go away. It’s soft feathers feel silky on the skin and so far, we’ve not lost a feather yet! You can also get much larger, Ostrich-feather style ticklers (which, if you have a couple – make a great bedroom ornament if you store them in a vase!).

Cuffs

Using restraints in the bedroom is not something one would normally consider lightly. Tying someone up (or having them tie you up) requires a good deal of trust – and is certainly something you would discuss first. But once you’ve agreed and gotten into it, being cuffed is wonderful fun. Gone are the days of novelty furry handcuffs or horrible metal cuffs that turn your skin green. These days, cuffs come in a variety of materials. When we first considered getting cuffs, comfort was the first thing on my mind – it we chose the Bondage Boutique Soft Cuffs. The cuffs are made from flexible neoprene fastened together with velcro straps. The MR has said that when cuffed, he has a tendency to panic, so wants to ensure that if things head south really quick, then he can get out of them quickly. The soft neoprene is gentle on the skin – and the Velcro, whilst strong during use, is quick to release. When using cuffs, you’ll definitely want to experiment with finding the most comfortable position for you. If you have the bed to do it, then cuff their hands together and attach them to the bed post. This helps stretch out their body, allowing you to seductively tease and please every inch of their body. Alternatively, have them sit down in a chair and cuff their hands behind their back – putting them in prime position for a no-touch lap dance (or if you want to live out those dirty prison/police officer fantasies!)

OK, now we’re getting on to the slightly harder stuff… but don’t worry… I’ll hold your hand.

Spanker

That’s it – we’re into the proper 50 Shades stuff now (I’m kidding). However, using a spanker is once again something that you really need to think about before you just go ahead and start thrashing away, because you can cause some serious damage!

For me, a little bit of pain is a pleasure that I can’t really describe, but it has to be the ‘right sort-of’ pain in order for it to be pleasurable. Well, it’s really hard to explain really – it was discovered by chance one night, that apparently a sharp slap on the bum sent me crazy. Of course, you can just use your hands to do all the spanking – me, I like my little spanking paddle over there. It’s 2 sided – it has a slightly softer satin side, and a harder, leather side on the other. The soft satin side is great for gentle little slaps – you can spank them with it, and then rub the soft silky satin over the area to soothe it. It’s a great way to get me to ask for more – which is when you can switch it over the the leather side, for a spank that’s got a bit more of a bite! As a beginners paddle, the Lovehoney Tease Me Paddle is perfect.

Just remember, when you are using a spanker, you should take care:

• NEVER hit someone anywhere other than thighs/buttocks. If you hit them anywhere else, you risk a serious injury
• Agree a safe word – if the spanking gets too much, then use the safe word and cease. This is where trust is a huge part of enjoying a safe and satisfying BDSM experience.
• Unless the spankee has expressed otherwise, try not to focus all the attention on one area. Trust me, it gets very sore, very quickly, and whilst those more hardened sub’s might appreciate it, when you are still new, it can get a bit much!
• Always use an after-spanking lotion (or something with Aloe Vera in it) to help soothe and calm red skin.

Spanking can be used in different ways – either as part of an intimate fantasy scenario, as a punishment (for more experienced players) or apparently, a spank during intercourse helps increase endorphins. Just remember to always be careful and listen to your partner. OK.. are you ready to continue?

Flogger

OK, admittedly this sounds more terrifying than it actually is – but if you like a spanking, a Flogger will be right up your alley. A basic flogger will be small ‘whip’ which has multiple strands (called Falls) attached to a handle. They are made from all sorts of different materials – Suede, Leather, PVC, Nylon, Rubber, Chain… picking the right material for a beginner is incredibly important – as different materials will feel different on impact. This is why I chose the Bondage Boutique Hip Whip (which is sadly no longer available, but here is an alternative) as a starter flogger. The falls are made from soft suede with flat ends, which ensures a slightly softer feeling (although don’t get me wrong, a good hard THWACK will see this sting).

To start, run the strands of the flogger over your partner, so they can get used to the sensation of the flogger. Then, when you are both ready, you can begin – start by swinging the flogger gently in a figure of 8 style motion. You can also experiment with gently ‘whipping’. As with spanking, you should always take extra care when using the flogger near sensitive parts, and certainly keep the flogger away from the face. And remember, as you experiment with harder pressures, listen to your partner and ensure you both know the safe word! I found that this is best used in conjunction with the next item on my list…

Advanced Restraints

OK, so we’ve looked at regular cuffs, but there are a couple of other ‘Must-Have’ items in our little box of bondage that are brilliant for when taking the next step (which believe me, won’t take you too long to get too).

Let’s start with some door jam cuffs.

Simply put, these are cuffs that you hook over a door, so when you close it, they are held in place, allowing you to then cuff your partner in a standing position.

We used these recently, and it was so much fun. I had the MR handcuffed, and facing the door – blindfolded and ankles cuffed. He wasn’t able to move or see anything that I had planned – and that’s part of the fun. In this particular instance, the Tantus Throb, Doxy Massager and a flogger were put to very good use.

The cuffs on this Door Jam kit by Sportsheets are made from a very soft material and fastened with Velcro (much like the bondage boutique cuffs) so they are very gentle on the wrists and secure enough to ensure a good play session.

Under-the-bed Restraints

Once you’ve gotten used to the sensations of being cuffed, you may want to consider something that’s a bit more ‘all over’. This is where the Bondage Boutique Almosta 4Posta under-bed restraint kit comes in handy. This little restraint system just sits underneath any mattress, and features 4 cuffs – 2 for the wrists and 2 for the ankles.

The restraints will expand to fit almost any size bed (we have a super-king) and provide a level of restraint that even the most beginner will find comfortable. Like the Sportsheets door jam cuffs, the wrist and ankle cuffs in this restraint kit are soft and fastened by velcro.

These are great fun to use, even if you’re not really doing anything else. Having the MR strapped in whilst I went to town on him with a masturbator was both fun for me, and extremely pleasing for him – especially as he was at my complete mercy. It’s also completely discreet – when not in use, the straps can be hidden underneath the mattress (which is brilliant, as getting it under the bed initially was awkward, thanks to our super-sized mattress!).

OK, I think now might be a good time to stop. As you can see, we don’t have anything majorly fancy or terrifying – and nearly all of the pieces of equipment can be utilised in different ways and can help create all sorts of different scenarios.

My biggest piece of advice when getting into this type of play is to take it slowly – especially if you have a partner that is a little apprehensive. Pulling out the restraints along with a flogger and a paddle might just be a bit too much – it’s worked for us by introducing each element one at a time, and as we progress, we start using multiple items. You can then also start looking at the harder bits of equipment if it’s an area of sex that you both enjoy.

Just a few things to remember:

• Always consider your partner when engaging in this sort of play – especially if they are apprehensive. The key to enjoying this is ensuring that you both trust each other and take things at a pace that’s comfortable for BOTH of you.
• ALWAYS make sure you agree a safe-word, especially if you start introducing spanking/flogging and restraints into the routine. It doesn’t even have to really be a word, just as long as you mutually agree on a signal that if used, means that the play stops.
• When starting out with impact play, always start soft and gentle and increase firmness and speed from there.

So over to you guys – have you experimented with bondage play yet? Did you like it? Do you have any tips to share with budding Doms and Subs? Drop us a comment below.

For more information, there are some great guides over at Lovehoney and Uberkinky that will give you even more information.