When I joined Lovehoney many moons ago, I had no idea they ran a sex toy tester initiative. How amazing is that? Get free sex toys in the post – all you have to do is give it a bloody good road test and give them an honest review.
Amazing. I’ve managed to sample some truly amazing toys. Occasionally, Lovehoney will send out a ‘secret’ product – something they are considering stocking, but need some feedback before they go ahead and commit to stocking. This was one of those times.
When I got the email asking if I was willing to give it a test, I of course jumped at the chance – it sounded very interesting (a vibrating masturbator) – and at the time, I hadn’t tried very many of those. It arrived super quick and spent a good couple of hours on the Saturday morning it arrived, giving it a thorough once over. Would it live up to expectations? Well let’s find out..
Note: Please forgive the quality of the images in this post. I never made back-ups of the original hi-res files at the time, so when it came to exporting this review, it meant working with low-res images, so they are not looking there best, and I don’t have this product any more, so I couldn’t take any new photos 🙁
I’m not going to sugar coat it. This toy was TERRIBLE. So lets get the good points out of the way, before we dwell on everything that is wrong with this toy (and sadly, there is A LOT).
Firstly, the Paso is packaged rather luxuriously, with very simple packaging. There is an outer slip box which features some fairly tasteful imagery. Inside is the main ‘keep-sake’ box with a hinged lid. Once you open the lid, you’ll see the Paso nestled in a soft bed of foam.
The penetrable part of the toy is made from skin safe Silicone (rather FIRM and UNFORGIVING Silicone). The texture consists of lots of tiny little nubs which cover the entire inside of the sleeve. The toy has a good weight, and feels solid and well built. From an aesthetic point of view, it’s not the most ‘subtle’ design, but it’s also not quite vulgar either. It does have an ‘air of mystery’ about it. There are three ‘motors’ on the toy, placed at varying points of the sleeve (with one at the bottom for stimulating the glans and frenulum, and the other 2 providing stimulation at the base of the shaft and the middle). There are various ‘settings’ to choose from (I think I counted about 7 or 8 in total). The vibrations felt strong, and the patterns were all of interesting variation. It has a total depth of 7 inches, and a circumference of 1.5 inches.
I’m not going to sugar coat it. This toy was TERRIBLE
The box describes it as ‘waterproof’ but the actual battery compartment doesn’t look particularly water-tight, so for the purposes of testing, I did not take it near the bath or shower just in case. In order to use, you will need to insert 3 x AAA batteries (which do come with the Paso, so you can get to play time straight away).
When you are ready to play, all you need to do is simply apply a generous helping of lubricant (which is handily supplied) to both yourself and the Paso, and then slip into it’s depths, turn it on, and have the three different motors massage your shaft to orgasm. It seems so simple in theory, but in practice.. I wonder how this ever made it off drawing board, let alone into production.
My experience with the Paso was both frustrating and painful. I mean painful, both physically and mentally. Applying the lube was a massive pain in the ass. The silicone tunnel is not at all flexible, so getting the inside ‘liberally coated’ was a tall order. In order to coat the inside, I basically had to squirt lube all round the rim and wait for it to drip down – it’s too deep to just put your fingers in!
After what seemed like an eternity, I had finally managed to satisfactorily lube up the canal (and myself) and now it was time to use it. This is where things got worse. Much worse. Now, like most guys, I have the occasional tendency to be concerned about my penis (Is it too short? Fat? Does it look weird?), but despite all that, I’ve yet to encounter a problem with anything. Until today. I like to think I have a fairly average penis (6″ long, 5.5″ circumference) so when it came to inserting into the Paso, I certainly wasn’t expecting what happened next. As I inserted – 2 things happened:
- Getting into the sleeve was damn near impossible. Despite having a fairly ample canal opening, because the silicone was SO firm and not at all flexible, there was no ‘give’ as I inserted. I got about as far down as, maybe an inch – before I couldn’t get down any further. But that wasn’t the worse part.
- The little ‘nubs’ that were all over the inside of the sleeve, suddenly felt like they were tearing my penis to shreds. They felt like the tiniest little teeth and spikes. What the hell happened? They felt so ‘soft’ earlier?!
Despite my very best efforts (and after using up the entire bottle of provided lube) I couldn’t not stroke with this toy. At all. I don’t even know what the vibrations felt like, because I couldn’t get in. At all. In frustration, I threw it across the room. After calming myself down, I walked across the room, picked it up and threw it to my husband. “Perhaps YOU should give it a try” I pouted. I knew where this was going, as he is definitely a little thicker in the trouser department (about 6 inches in girth). After lubing himself up, he tried to insert. Within seconds, he too was chucking it away, like it was a poisonous snake. After gathering his thoughts (and after staring at it for a few moments) he composed himself and gave his verdict. He likened it to ‘putting your knob into the Sarlacc pit’. For those who aren’t geeks like my husband, basically imagine a giant anus in the desert, full of teeth. (Yes, it’s a Star Wars reference). That is not something I personally want to be sticking my dick in, and unless you are a complete masochist, I can’t think of anyone else who would.
Clean-Up and Maintenance
Thanks to the very deep tunnel and stupidly firm silicone, cleaning this toy is a complete bitch. You’ll want to ensure you have a bottle brush or something in order to successfully remove all the lube that will settle at the bottom (as well as any bodily fluids, should you be lucky and be able to actually use the toy). Once it’s clean and throughly dry, you can store it in the provided storage pouch. OR you could just throw it away…
This is definitely a masturbator that falls into the whole ‘style over substance’. As a concept, I think it’s brilliant – a deep sleeve with three different motors to provide intense stimulation as you slip in and out of the textured sleeve – Genius! However, in order for this to work – the silicone needs to be more flexible to ensure that a penis can actually get in there – switch out that horrible ‘teeth’ texture and replace it with a nice wavy/bumpy texture and for god-sakes, make it rechargeable. No one likes to faff around with batteries these days. Do that, and you may very well be on to a winner.
He likened it to ‘putting your knob into the Sarlacc pit’
But quite frankly, this left me feeling a little sore, and will have me thinking twice before I put my chap into something like that again!
If you still want to give the Paso a try, you can still order it direct from Close2You.
This product was sent to me free of charge in exchange for an honest review by Lovehoney. This in no way affects my opinions or experiences with this product. All opinions and experiences reflected here are 100% genuine and my own.
The Lowdown | Close2You Paso Vibrating Male Masturbator