I’ve got to stop saying ‘sorry’. I say it far too much. At least, where the blog is concerned. We’re entering our third year and a lot has happened. Sometimes, it’s really difficult to take it all in.
I am definitely one of those typical ‘British’ fools that you see in every rom-com – I’m just lacking the matinee idol looks. But personality wise, I am definitely your typical brit. If you bump into me, I apologise. If I have to squeeze past you in the cinema, I apologise. If I don’t have the right change for my pasty at lunch, I have to apologise. Even when I am not personally responsible, it just slips out. I can’t help it.
So what has this got to do with a sex blog? Well for a long time, I’ve tried to put up this façade that I am a completely switched on guy, with schedules and timetables, with reviews and articles planned down to the very last full stop. But the reality is, it’s just not the case. I am a bumbling ball of anxiety and stress, and after doing my best to suppress/hide it, it’s reached the point where I could no longer do it.
It’s what led me to pull out of attending/giving a talk at Eroticon this year, something that still upsets me right now. But it was a decision that had to be made for benefit of my mental health. I have this habit of putting too much pressure on myself. I expect far too much of me, more than any human is comfortably capable of. It’s born of this incessant need to always be pleasing someone. Because my self-worth is driven by other people’s validation.
It’s only recently, that I’ve really given myself some time to sit back, and take stock of everything. Following on from Cara’s post earlier this year about learning to say no – I’m taking a leaf out of her book, and exercising a bit more control. Previously, I would accept every review offer I got; because I was thrilled that someone wanted my opinion. The downside of this meant I had a review queue that was overflowing. I would stress and panic about having so much work to do, that I would just freeze. The thought of having to tackle it was crippling. But I knew if I didn’t do it, I would have people emailing me, demanding where the hell their review was. It was a vicious circle.
But I’ve had some time to put things into perspective, and I definitely now have a renewed vigour when it comes to writing. I no longer fear or dread having to put words down on the screen. I’m not going to apologise for not having a review written or posted. Reviews will come as and when they are ready. And any company who isn’t prepared to deal with that can just jog on. I’m taking this year at my pace. I am going to be happy, stress free and I am going to enjoy writing once again.
So for the last time, I’m sorry. But not really…