Every now and again, a product comes along which makes you re-evaluate sex and masturbation completely.

However, there also comes a time when you just want to facepalm, and you wonder what on earth was going through someones mind when they thought of that ridiculous product. This is sadly, one of the latter cases.

I’ve read all about the Autoblow 2 with great interest, and followed it’s IndieGoGo campaign closely, not believing it would ever reach it’s goal – but it did, in fact it achieved 622% of it’s goal. The Original Autoblow must have been really really good… right?

Naturally I was curious and of course, as soon as Lovehoney asked if I was up for the challenge of reviewing it, I of course jumped at the chance. How funny hindsight is..

 First Impressions

The Autoblow 2 comes in a reasonably well thought out box. It’s a good, rigid box and is just plastered with the various marketing gimmicks and messages that you find all over their website, so there is no hiding what is inside.

Upon removing the unit from the box, the first thing you notice is that this thing is huge. It’s no bigger in length than say, a Fleshlight, but it has a huge circumference of 13 inches!! This certainly makes it more than a handful! In fact, it’s incredibly bulky, almost absurdly so. But I wasn’t going to let that put me off. This device was touted as “the ultimate blow job simulator” – it’s got to be amazing, right? To give it some credit, in terms of colour and design, it sort of looks pretty neat – you just wish it was a bit.. smaller.

Inside the box is the Autoblow 2, a sleeve, the power cable and a plastic rod that’s used to help (if needed) fit the sleeve (I’ve never needed it, it’s really easy to fit in). One thing that concerned me was the smell. The sleeve STINKS. The website doesn’t specify what the material is, just that it’s phthalate-free. It feels a little tacky to the touch. In fact, after leaving the sleeve on a piece of cardboard overnight, when I checked the following morning, it had left a ‘greasy’ patch. I wasn’t really looking forward to slipping inside – however, I’ve used Fleshlights and TENGA products, and haven’t had any problems with those, and this felt somewhat similar. The sleeve I received was Sleeve B which is there average size sleeve, suitable for all lengths and ideal for girths of 4″ to 5.5″ (which I happy sit in).

To use, you need to connect the supplied power cable and plug it into the wall (you’ll need an EU to UK adapter). At the bottom of the unit is the power switch. This is a dial similar to the dial on the Magic Wand. Click it on, and as you scroll through, you increase/decrease speed. HOLY COW. This thing is LOUD. Grabbing my handy decibel meter (an app on my phone) it registered an increase of 48 decibels. It peaked at 89 Decibels (or the same as your average motor vehicle). So if you’re looking for discreet, this most certainly isn’t it. The motor is rated for approx 500 hours usage. That’s a lot of blow jobs, according to their marketing guff.

How to Use

OK, so you use it the same way you would any stroker – you lube up and slip in. The one thing that made me laugh is the box says it’s ‘Hands Free’. It’s not, you still have to use your hands to hold the damn thing in place because it’s so stupidly enormous. So, you slip in, hold it in place and then turn it on. Now inside the Autoblow 2 is 2 sets of rounded beads on springs, attached to the piston and motor at the base of the toy. The motor drives the 2 rings of beads up and down a total length of 4 inches either way. The beaded rings are spring loaded, so they stretch to fit almost any size. And herein lies the biggest problem with the toy.

So myself, I have a girth of about 5.5 inches (so I’m just at the upper limit for the sleeve size). I get myself ‘aroused’ – get inside, turn it on and wait for it to astound me. And I waited. And waited. And waited. I waited for so long, I may have fallen asleep. The reason? I felt NOTHING. Certainly nothing mind-blowing. It felt like I was being tickled ever so gently on either side of my penis. I certainly wasn’t feeling any intense suction or tightness that is normally associated with a blow job. This just felt vast and empty. The reason? Well the beads just weren’t coming into contact with my penis nearly enough. Once inserted, the beads only just touched my penis. If I had been any narrower, they wouldn’t have touched me at all, which leads me to believe anyone who would be 4″ wouldn’t have felt anything at all (especially as I was ‘swimming’ in the sleeve – you could have fit 2 of me in there!). It was at this point that I was feeling both frustrated and angry. I was feeling like I was inadequate and a sex toy should NEVER make you feel like that. They are supposed to make you feel good!! This was a complete miss.

My husband who is about 6” girth gave it a try and even he said he could only just feel it, and that it seemed to be concentrated round the very bottom (or tip of the penis – depends which way round you are!). I’ve tried on 3 separate occasions to see if I was just having an off day, but nope, each time I’ve been left completely unfulfilled. Before editing and posting this review, I gave it one last chance to redeem itself. I lay on the bed with a good XXX movie, and I lay there desperately waiting for the AutoBlow 2 to surprise me – I forced myself as deep as I could, I even ‘pumped’ myself up a little before hand – but it was all for nothing. It’s safe to say, I have given it a fair chance to impress me, and it hasn’t I also noted after the third use, that the sleeve was actually starting to split. Sleeves can be brought separately at almost £30 each – but if this is how quickly they break…

Clean-up & Maintenance

The sleeve is completely removable so can be washed with water, toy cleaner then left to dry before being dusted and stored inside the unit. The manual actually recommends storing the sleeve separately in a plastic bag with cornstarch. As I mentioned before, the sleeve smells bad, and even after 4 washes, it still smells and it’s started to split. It makes me question the overall quality of the material, and how ‘body safe’ it might be. As this is a mains-powered toy, this means it’s not waterproof, so you will definitely want to keep it away from water and if you do need to give the main case of the toy a clean, you are best using a lightly dampened cloth and a towel to dry afterwards. There is no cap for the Autoblow, so if you do decide to keep the sleeve inside the unit, make sure you keep the big plastic bag the Autoblow came in – it should at least help keep the dust off the sleeve.

I apologise for the quality of the video – my regular camera I use was not available 🙁 but hopefully you get the gist! 

Summary

I absolutely HATED this toy. Could it be my most hated? Could it be worse than the Zini Bang Bang? You know what, YES! It is indeed the product I have hated the most. The guys behind the Autoblow 2 talked such a big game, and dazzled everyone with funny cartoons and infographics, but I don’t think they spent nearly as much time thinking about how it actually works, if they’d have spent less on marketing and more on R&D – who knows – we could have had something amazing. But sadly, it’s just an epic fail. It’s big, loud, and clearly aimed at those with much bigger penises (even though I’m perfectly average) and the box claims it’s suitable for all sizes. I read other reviews, thinking I must be broken or something, whether it was a very slow burn toy, but no matter what I did, it brought me no closer to orgasm, in fact, it did the opposite. It’s a complete turn off. Also, when a toy has me questioning whether my penis is big enough, then you know it’s not the one for you. One size fits all, my arse. Go back to the drawing board.

Do you still want to give the Autoblow 2 a try? Well you can pick one up from the official autoblow 2 site.

EDIT: You can now purchase the purchase the Autoblow 2 from Lovehoney (if you wish) for £139.99

The Autoblow 2 was kindly sent to me by Lovehoney in exchange for my honest review. This in no way affects my opinions of the toy. All experiences given are both my own and true. Check out the range of offers Lovehoney have to offer this christmas over at our Christmas Shopping Guide